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When the Strategy Stops Working (and Why That’s Normal)
Most parents don’t come to this moment calmly.
They come frustrated. Doubting themselves. Wondering if they’re doing something wrong.
Because last month, this worked.
Last year, this worked.
Yesterday, this worked.
And now it doesn’t.
Here’s the truth most parenting advice skips:
Strategies aren’t meant to last forever.
If that feels relieving, good. If it feels unsettling, that makes sense too. Many of us were taught that consistency means sticking to the same approach no matter what. But children don’t grow in straight lines, and parenting can’t be a fixed system applied to a moving target.
When a strategy stops working, it’s not a failure.
It’s feedback.
Why strategies stop working (and why that’s actually healthy)
Children change constantly, even when it doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.
A child who could handle waiting last month may suddenly melt down this month. A child who followed a routine easily may start pushing against it. A child who seemed regulated may become reactive or withdrawn.
This isn’t random. It’s development.
Strategies stop working because:
your child’s capacity has shifted
their needs have changed
their stress load has increased
their skills are uneven or reorganizing
the environment has changed (school, sleep, family rhythm, expectations)
If a strategy never stopped working, that would actually be more concerning. It would suggest the child isn’t growing, experimenting, or testing their understanding of the world.
Growth disrupts systems. That’s how you know it’s happening.
The myth that keeps parents stuck
Many parents carry a quiet belief they rarely say out loud:
“If I were more consistent, this wouldn’t be happening.”
But consistency doesn’t mean rigidity. And it definitely doesn’t mean ignoring new information.
What often gets labeled as “inconsistency” is actually responsiveness.
Children don’t need parents who never adjust.
They need parents who can notice when something no longer fits and update accordingly.
The problem isn’t that the strategy stopped working.
The problem is when adults feel pressured to keep using it anyway.
This isn’t regression (even when it feels like it)
When kids struggle after a period of success, adults often panic.
“We already worked on this.”
“They know better.”
“Why are we back here again?”
But development doesn’t move forward and stay there. It loops. It stretches. It temporarily falls apart and rebuilds.
What looks like regression is often:
a new skill competing for brain space
an emotional load they can’t yet manage
a growth spurt in independence
a stress response, not defiance
The behavior isn’t evidence that the strategy failed. It’s evidence that the child is asking for something different now.
Why doubling down usually backfires
When a strategy stops working, adults often respond by tightening control.
More reminders.
Stricter consequences.
Longer explanations.
Higher expectations.
This usually escalates the situation, not because the parent is wrong, but because the child doesn’t have the capacity to meet the demand being placed on them in that moment.
A strategy that worked before may now require:
more support
smaller steps
more regulation before compliance
a temporary pause, not more pressure
When adults double down instead of zooming out, power struggles grow and connection thins.
What to do instead of scrapping everything
Here’s the part parents rarely hear:
You don’t need a brand-new system every time something stops working.
Most of the time, you’re not starting over. You’re updating.
Helpful questions to ask:
What has changed for my child recently?
Is this a skill issue or a stress issue?
What part of this strategy still works?
Where might my child need more support right now?
Small adjustments often matter more than big overhauls.
That might look like:
reducing expectations temporarily
offering more structure or more flexibility
adding co-regulation before asking for cooperation
shifting from verbal reminders to visual or physical support
This isn’t lowering the bar. It’s meeting your child where they actually are.
Why this phase feels personal (even though it isn’t)
When strategies stop working, many parents internalize it.
“I should know how to handle this.”
“Other parents don’t struggle like this.”
“I’m doing everything right and it’s still hard.”
But parenting isn’t a test you pass by doing the right steps. It’s a relationship with a growing human who is constantly changing.
The discomfort you feel often comes from uncertainty, not incompetence.
And uncertainty doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means you’re paying attention.
The long view most advice ignores
Parenting advice often focuses on immediate outcomes:
Did the behavior stop?
Did they listen?
Did the routine work?
But the deeper question is:
What is my child learning about themselves and their relationship with me while we navigate this?
When parents adapt instead of rigidly enforcing outdated strategies, children learn:
needs can change
help is available
mistakes don’t end connection
adults can be firm and flexible
Those lessons matter far beyond the moment.
A steadier reframe to carry with you
When something stops working, try this reframe:
“This isn’t a problem to fix.
It’s information to respond to.”
You’re not behind.
Your child isn’t broken.
You’re in the middle of growth.
And growth is rarely tidy.
💡 Practical Examples

🔬 Scholarly Highlight

Affirmations for the Week


Journal Prompt
🌙 Closing Reflection
Parenting isn’t about finding the perfect strategy and holding onto it forever.
It’s about noticing when something no longer fits and having the courage to adjust without shame.
When the strategy stops working, it doesn’t mean you failed.
It means your child is developing.
And you’re doing the work of growing alongside them.


